I am sure I’m not alone regretting decisions I took in moments of deep sorrow or anger. There are many of us waking up to the pounding beat of a heart screaming “What if? What if I hadn’t? What if instead?” It’s a cruel question, and we will never know the answer. We will never find out how it could have been instead since we already made the choice to do as we did.
How often have we hurt ourselves whatif.ing and stamping in the bushland of regrets, remembering the things we’ve done, the words we’ve said (or chosen not to say but should have), recalling the thoughts we’ve had, the decisions we’ve taken, the choices we’ve made? And we start beating ourselves up with the could haves and should haves of smarter, kinder, wiser, stronger, different.
When I try to picture the whatif, I see an ugly, wrinkled, ash-grey blobby monster with sharp yellow teeth and blood-red eyes cutting out pieces of my heart and feeding on my pain and despair. When it comes I try to breathe calmness into my fear. For every deep calm breath I take, the whatif winces and shrinks a tiny bit. For every forgiving word I think, it loses strength. The times I succeed to believe that it is as it is and it cannot be otherwise, the whatif pulls back into its dark smelly cave. Temporarily. I know it will be back because I am (like most people I know) very good at walking down memory lane and choosing the paths full of potholes. I excel at reminding myself how often I have failed to make the “right” choice.
I don’t believe it can disappear but can the whatif be tamed? Groomed? Calmed down? I know that done can never be undone, every choice we make has consequences on ourselves, our surrounding people, everybody’s future. You know, the Butterfly Effect? Every thought, every action multiplies with the amount of people we know and moves around. Not even a hermit can stop the chain of consequences because his choice of stepping out of the world might have hurt someone who consequently lost his faith in love. That’s one possible outcome. Imagine the hermit was a brilliant scientist who has the solution to recreate rainforests in dry parts of the planet, can you figure out all the probable consequences of his retirement?
We are not separate from the whole, there is no destiny on its own, today is the result of many yesterdays as we are the result of the lives and experiences of our many ancestors. And we all did whatever we did in a spirit of survival. I dare say that even the cruellest act was a matter of doing our best to avoid hurt and pain. All the reasons are justifiable in consideration of the person’s background, education, values, needs and wants. We might not understand why and we might totally disagree with some actions but we should never judge another person because we don’t know everything about why they picked that solution among others. We live in a world of probabilities and uncertainties and still we pretend it is all certain and controllable.
Clinging to the past is painful, it is no longer there and it will never come back. It is very difficult to clean our mind from residues of past actions like resentment, anger, revengefulness, envy, regrets but then from time to time, we get into the feeling of here-now and whatsoever experience comes to us, we learn to let it happen, accept it without judging and then let it pass. If you are like me, you know that even after years of emotional healing work, we still sometimes make the mistake of believing that something “out there” makes us angry, depressed, anxious, or afraid. In reality, outside events are only triggers. The cause of every emotion is within us. So let it all out. Surrender.
When things are painful, when situations are difficult, when life seems to go against you, remember to breathe it out. Make peace with the past and breathe.
“Breathing in, I am aware of my heart. Breathing out, I smile to my heart and know that my heart still functions normally. I feel grateful for my heart.”
~ Nhat Hanh
One very powerful and effective way is the practice of tonglen. The Buddhist practice of tonglen can be used to alleviate the suffering of others and increase compassion. When you do this meditation, you simply breathe in and breathe out, taking in pain and sending out spaciousness and relief.
makikely 